By Susan Williams
Susan Williams, MEd, RH(AHG)It can happen to any of us. We may strive to be kind, to listen more than talk, and to be curious about the person we are talking to.
But then, WHAM. We find ourselves interacting with someone who is unstable, highly emotional, or simply unreasonable. As Viktor Frankl, author of Man’s Search for Meaning, asserted: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
Sounds good, right? But let’s go back to reality, and our normal “fight or flight” response that is hard wired to tell us differently.
Honestly, I struggled to watch Kristen Welker’s interview with Donald Trump this week. It made me wonder how many of us could have maintained our composure and stayed on track.
So, I went back and reviewed what I believe is helpful when faced with a situation that feels unfair, unwarranted, and quite honestly, unbelievable. Maybe all of us aren’t as eloquent or unrelenting as Ms. Welker, but here is a strategy on how to survive a conversation with someone who is acting irrational:
1. Slow your body down.
Your nervous system reacts before your thinking brain does. A simple technique is to:
- Exhale longer than you inhale (for example, inhale for 4 counts, exhale for 6–8).
- Relax your shoulders and unclench your jaw.
- Plant both feet on the floor.
Even a few slow breaths can reduce the fight-or-flight response and help you respond rather than react.
2. Shift your goal.
Many stressful conversations escalate because we’re trying to achieve something that may not be possible at that moment. Such as getting agreement, an apology, or just rational discussion.
Instead, set a more achievable goal, such as:
- “I want to stay respectful.”
- “I want to communicate my position clearly.”
- “I want to end this conversation without making things even worse.”
When you stop measuring success by whether the other person becomes reasonable, you regain some control over your own emotional state.
3. Use mental distance.
Remind yourself:
- “I don’t have to absorb this person’s emotions.”
- “Their reaction is information, not a command.”
- “I can listen without agreeing.”
It can be helpful to imagine you’re an observer taking notes rather than a participant in a debate. This can create enough emotional distance to keep the conversation from feeling like a personal threat.
That said, if a situation becomes abusive, threatening, or completely unproductive, staying calm can also mean recognizing that it’s time to end the interaction and leave the discussion. (As opposed to stomping off the stage like a three year old who was just told they’re not going to get a pony today.)
The Quick Takeaway:
“Breathe. Don’t persuade. Observe.”
- Breathe to calm your body.
- Don’t persuade when the person isn’t receptive.
- Observe what’s happening rather than getting pulled into it.
Susan Williams, MEd, RH (AHG), is a certified holistic nutritionist, yoga instructor, Duke trained National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach, and enthusiastic student of health for older citizens.
Disclaimer: Self Care posts are shared for information purposes only, and are never intended as individual medical advice nor as a substitute for healthcare services.